On Not Knowing

I notice that a lot of the time I write because I want to feel smart. I write because I want attention. I write because I want to feel special. When I'm writing from that place I tend to do a lot of planning and editing and thinking, to make sure that I capture my thoughts as clearly as I can.

I don't tend to like those posts.

There are other times when the posts practically write themselves. When there is passion. When there is an idea that needs to be expressed and all I am doing is the typing.

Even though I don't feel those posts are mine (I don't know whose they are), they feel a lot more real to me. A lot more true.

I'd like to think that I'm in control of turning that on or off. But I have no idea when and where it's going to show up. Often, I have no idea what I'm going to write even as I begin to write it.

It strikes me that life can be like that, too.

We can make plans and plot everything out and get everything on our list, and it ends up feeling cold and empty. Or we can just go for it, not knowing where it's coming from or what will happen.

I don't know if one is better or not, but I know which one I like.

Jeff