I spent the weekend visiting my mom.
When I visit home, there are lots of thoughts that come up that I haven't considered in a long time. The roles that we play with each other become more apparent. The things that can bug us about a close relationship can become all the more apparent when we are in person, for three days, then when we are in a casual phone call from a safe distance.
I used to evaluate how things are going in my life by whether or not my mom can press my buttons, and whether or not I have the desire to press hers. This weekend, I saw the futility of that.
We are where we are. Sometimes, we are clear, and life is easy. Sometimes, we are triggered. This mix can change over time, but I am pretty sure it is always going to be here in some sense. I would like to think there will be a state of "full relief," whether that is from the suffering that we can feel from relations with family members, or memories of childhood, or things that are going on at work. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen, though, at least not in this lifetime.
But I realized this weekend that it is okay. It's okay to be mad sometimes. It's okay to express our feelings. It's okay to get caught. The only thing that might not be okay is to expect things to be different than they are.