The Magic Room

[Jeff is on vacation today. This post originally appeared on December 21, 2010.]

What if there were a magic room that has the following properties--

--Everything you do or say or even think about is exactly what's right for you in each moment.

--It's impossible to make a mistake, but there is constant learning.

--There's no need to worry about the future (or the past), because everything is taken care of at the appropriate time.

--Everyone and everything is there for your highest good. Even (especially!) those things and people you find difficult.

--You see everyone and everything as just another part of yourself.

Would you behave differently in that magic room? Would you find yourself spending more time in that room than outside of it?

What if I told you that you're already in that room? And that you've never been out of it?

Jeff

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The Curse of First Impressions

As soon as I meet someone, my brain goes to work trying to put that person in a box. 

Is this someone I “like” or “don’t like”? Are they “friendly”? Are they “funny”? Maybe instead they’re “mean” or “aloof.”

When I do this, I do myself a great disservice. It’s not that this is bad—it’s simply how the brain works, trying to make sense of the world.

But as soon as my brain puts someone in a category, it’s very difficult to pull them out of it. If I have a good impression, it takes a lot of evidence to move them to the other side of the ledger. And if I have a bad first impression, look out.

You might not think you do this. I didn’t. I could come up with examples where my impression changed. But almost always when it changed, it changed back later on. Back to my first impression. This is called “confirmation bias” and studies have proven it over and over. We do this for people, animals, furniture, weather, really everything in our world.

When we form an opinion (which we do, rather quickly), we seek evidence to confirm that opinion.

And we no longer have an open mind.

I try so hard not to do this. To instead be open to other people no matter what is happening. Because everyone has a bit of everything, right? The selfless and the selfish? Mean and kind? Serious and silly? 

And to see both is to see people in their full complexity and beauty. Not as boxes or categories or items on a checklist.

Jeff

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Questions Needed--My Upcoming Interview with Sharon Salzberg

I need your questions!

On May 3, I'm interviewing Sharon Salzberg, long time insight meditation teacher and author of Real Happiness, a 28-day meditation program.

Sharon has been teaching for 36 years and was a cofounder of the Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts. She teaches on the road regularly as well, including, for example, monthly classes in Washington, DC. She is truly one of the pillars of Buddhist teaching in the West.

Her instructions are simple, clear, and plainspoken. To her, there is nothing more transformative than the simple act of noticing our thoughts. Her life's work has been helping people to start and maintain a meditation practice. She's been incredibly gracious and I'd love to share your questions with her.

Please respond with anything you want to know about meditation, what to expect, how to get in the habit (or overcome resistance), or anything else you can think of.

Thanks in advance--
Jeff

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Over and Over

I remember as a child waiting for Christmas or my birthday, and the presents that would come. I would wait for months for that Mattel football game with the beeps, or a race track, or some other thing that I was sure in my bones would bring happiness.

Over and over again I would feel the ache of waiting, of not knowing if I could make it, and then (at last!) the rush of opening what I had been waiting for. Happiness is here! Finally, I have it!

And then a few days (or even a few minutes) later I would be thinking of the next new thing. The thing that I had been so sure would mean happiness was quickly cast aside. Over and over I would fall for the new shiny toy, seemingly never learning.

I still do this. Sure, I admit it to myself less. I tell myself I don't really think that it will bring me happiness, but in a way I am just as excited about the new driver I bought yesterday as I am about those presents so long ago. And I don't seem to be the only one who feels this way.

Why is that? Why are we so addicted to this feeling? How does it serve us?

When I was young I had to wait, sometimes months. It seemed part our Puritan work ethic, this idea that we have to work hard and wait for happiness. Remember layaway? Remember our parents saving for things? Making a plan?

But today, I see my kids go through this and they suffer if they even have to wait a day. And as parents, sometimes we're not the best examples. Why wait when you can use a credit card? When you can download that new book or music or game right now, in less than a minute, without even have to go to a store? And yet we still feel that let down over and over and over as some new want, some new carrot is dangled in front of us.

Happiness is staring me in the face. It's right here. It's never apart from me. It is just as much a part of me as my very breath. Yet I keep striving, I keep feeling like something is missing.

And I desperately want to teach my children the very thing that I've failed to learn.

Jeff

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The Power of Thinking Small

We live in a society in which bigger is almost always better. Corporations assume they have to grow or die. Industries do the same. We are told over and over again that we have to do more, make more, have more.

How many people do you know who measure their success by the numbers? Their income, their Facebook friends, the value of their houses or 401(k) plans?

Why is that?

When is enough enough?

Sometimes there can be value in buying a smaller house, or taking a job for less income. Sometimes less stuff means more freedom.

Sometimes the best thing is to do what you love, rather than thinking all the stuff is going to save you.

Jeff

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Nothing Added

Today, try an experiment.

See if you can expect less. See if you can move into a place of being exactly as you are. Placing no demands on yourself. With no aspirations of change. With no resisting what's happening, and no regretting what's already in the past.

Sure, there are things to do and you can of course do them. But try not to add anything as you do each task. Judgments or criticisms or even self-help talk.

To do that for an entire day might seem a bit overwhelming. Try it for the next minute or two. Or the next breath.

And during the day, and over the weekend, try it a few more times.

I'd love to hear what happens for you.

Jeff

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Open Mike on Worries and Work

I hear a lot about what people are dealing with at work--anxiety and uncertainty, pressure from clients and colleagues, work life balance, and so on. I've written about some of my thoughts. But today, the blog is yours.

What's your biggest work issue? What's your strategy for dealing with it? How well is it working, or not?

Any and all thoughts, anecdotes, book references, weblinks, or anything else you want are welcome. Our wisdom only grows through sharing.

Jeff

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